Reflections

Back at me you stare your gaze all consuming

Provoking me

Yet I look away.

Unable to love fully that which I struggle to understand,

But you're wanting -

Almost screaming, crying out

To be seen....

And I think, "One day I will accept me for all I am"

A beautiful mess

More Charming than a Fifth Grader?

So, I do realize that ever so much of what I write about is frivolous and fleeting...and much on the same level as a teenage girl....And this makes me curious about a couple of things. I suppose the first would be my own maturation - ever since I was a child, I've been an adult mentally for everything minus men (or boys) and daydreaming (which I think is a very necessary part of life....and creation). I suppose on that thought would be the question "is it just me or do all 20 somethings have the sexual capacity mentally of adolescents?"

I get excited for the little things. If someone remembers that I was sick 3 months ago (exaggeration) and just wanted to make sure I was better the next time they see me....I melt a bit. I'm the girl that still enjoys a good mix tape or a book on loan because I feel like it actually means something. If someone recommends food or a movie or a special spot in a park, it's quite likely I'll attempt to eat or go to see what they find enchanting about it. (All of which is entirely true and most likely has happened because of the biker boy....who I think I'm going to ask out this Thursday if he comes in.....side story - I went to visit him at work - this swanky Mediterranean cafe - and got my food for free....which made me smile, but then I proceeded to spill an entire bowl of soup on my way to my seat...where I sat trying to avoid staring creepily at him...go me).

So why the questioning now?

I suppose I feel like I'm on the shortbus of love. I sort of know what I want, but have absolutely no clue in how to go about finding it. I'm not the biggest fan of going out or meeting people in bars...I much prefer judging complete strangers and avoiding new people to giving people a chance to enter my sphere.

All of this is brought on somewhat by a quasi love interest (not really love so much as I enjoyed (past tense) talking to him and may have broken a 3.5 year loosing streak in bed - sorry that's probably too perverse....but it was one of my resolutions for the year...much easier to keep than loosing weight or saving money). I don't really know how, but amidst my undying puppy love for the biker boy, I met another artist (biker boy is also in the visual arts...all of the men I've ever dated have been in one form or another). This other guy is super cool and working towards having it together more than most....but is distant and aloof in all of his interactions - not just with me, but with everyone I've seen him with. Even when we talked about his own work, he was passe about it - like it was nothing of importance.

But I guess because of what happened, I'm questioning the way we relate as men and women. I suppose I see him as the cool kid in Jr High who everyone wanted to be friends with or be like and who was intentionally cold to the girls he most wanted because he needed to keep his image....and I suppose I would be the awkward girl that it's uncool for him to like because I'm not unmoved by the world. I'm Laney Boggs in "She's All That" only I'm not with it enough to know he's not the leading man.

I simply see so many of my own interactions as childlike as they were 10 years ago and am wondering if I'm alone or are we all reliving the same moments we had when we were younger....only now we kind of know what we're doing (but don't bother much to change).