Whose Line is it Anyway?

Well, a good deal has happened since last I wrote, but I am at a loss of where to begin. So, I decided that I will regale you with my favorite pick up lines. All but two of which I've heard personally within the past couple of months.
I don't really understand it, but apparently I must look like I'm open for business...or an Ethiopian queen...or really just a goddess to any foreigners and/or Blatino and Arab men that drive cabs or own restaurants or loiter in my particular area of town. I can't leave my house without some type of story which really just baffles me. I cannot count the number of proposals I've received from cabbies that I've seen only once (which can be creepy, but quite lovely because I rarely have to pay for my ride) or dirty proposals I've received from bus drivers at 5am whilst in transit to work. Even when I say that I'm seeing someone (which is false...holding out for the biker boy or someone equally awkward and beautiful...is it alright to call men beautiful?), they still ask for my number or if I'm satisfied because whatever they have to offer must be so much more that my fictional boyfriend could possibly do for me. I really want to know what they think I'm going to say and/or do with a complete stranger.
Well, my top five moments would probably be the following (not in any order of importance):

• I was on the el shortly after New Years going to one of my favorite bars (really the only one I go to regularly) that's literally across the street from work. I didn't really feel like it, but my roomies were there and wanting to have roomie time...and because I avoid it as much as possible (I'm sort of a hermit), I decided to indulge them this once. While on the platform, I am circled by someone who didn't actually speak to me, but says something overtly sexual about birthing hips and ass and I'm the only one around (and have both in spades). I let it pass because the train is arriving and I don't really feel that giving attention to people that don't care to get to know you before talking about what they'd do with you is wise. The train arrives and I'm in a huff to get away from this perverse human being and as I enter the train, I am bombarded by three such persons who cat call all the way to my seat and then proceed to talk about me and to me for the next 20 minutes of the ride. Initially it was sweet I guess (not really), but I ignored all of their advances and soon they turned sour. Saying things like "well if she were 20 lbs lighter, I would do x,y and z to her." If I had been more with it, I would have said who the fuck do you think you are that I'd allow you to do such things....but I wasn't as brave or really in the mood for confrontation with the crazy people on the train. As I get up to leave. The older guy says "see what I mean, all meat and no potatoes" as one of the younger says "I'd still eat it." Really. Do I look like a fucking steak? Although they were quite ignorant and in many ways offensive, the lines they used I can't quite forget. It was great fodder for conversation with my roomies...and a good reason to never leave the house again for roomie night. The rest are much more pleasant and short I promise.
• I live less than three blocks away from Dominick's (which aside from Whole Foods and Treasure Island is my favorite city grocer...I don't know why). During the summer and fall a good deal of homeless people and vagabonds stand outside with pop up stands selling incense and possibly stolen goods. One day in November when it was still warm enough to be on the street, I went to the store twice because I forgot something for fondue that I wanted to make. Each time I passed, this man who looked like a balding Rastafarian approached me with perfumes that would make my man happy. The last time, he asked if I were married and I don't know why but actually told the truth. He then got on bended knee and proposed. I refused and laughed all the way home....I've seen him a couple of times since and he seems to have remained faithful to his ideals.
• I don't know if I've said anything prior as to what I aspire to whilst being a barista...because all people that work at Starbuck's should have goals and dreams aside from making the perfect rose in someone's latte....not that any of us are good at that either. My particular life goal is to be a Wagnerian contralto singing the role of Erda wherever people will hire me...hopefully making enough money from my staggering talent to purchase a chateau that will house my shoe collection of Christian Louboutin's and YSL's...(none of which I have at present, but one day). This is all to preface one of my favorite stories I promise. Well, to achieve that goal, I used to practice 4-5hours a day at school, but seeing as though practice rooms in the city aren't free, I have had to limit the amount of time. The one place I know of in town that will allow you to practice for an hour or two for free is the Harold Washington Library (which is one of my favorite places in town). With an ID or a Library Card, You can go to the eighth floor and work on whatever you need for auditions and the like. I like going most often at night when most people are at home eating dinner or watching tv. I'll normally stay till close because I love the city at night. A couple weeks before Christmas, I was in practicing the alto solos from Verdi's Requiem along with bits from Handel's Messiah. I heard the bell and voice saying that the library will close in 5 minutes. I head for the elevators along with a trumpet player and someone else still on that floor (both are older white males - not that this is incredibly important). The lift arrives and we enter. It stops on floor six where in comes a 60 year old black man wheeling a backpack. As he enters, he says "What's you're name beautiful?" I assume he's talking to me, but don't answer. He continues "Because I just want to know what to tell Santa what I want for Christmas." A moment of silence...then all in the lift burst out laughing until we reach the third floor where we must pass security to exit. Funniest moment in my life!
• The next story is short and happened a week or so after the Santa Incident on my way home from work. One of my roomies is my boss at Starbucks and any time we close, we take the el home together. Well this time, I forgot to visit le toillette before she set the alarm and didn't want to go through the trouble of a police visit because I needed to tinkle. I decided to hold it (which is a terrible idea for me, but I will not expound upon that) When we get off the el which is a city block away from Dominick's she says she needs groceries. Not wanting her to be alone at night, I say I'll go with her, but as she's a very slow walker, I would need to walk ahead to the ladies room leaving her trailing some distance behind. As I am about to round the corner, a man appears from nowhere and says "I don't care if you're walking to the end of the world, can I walk with you?" Not able to think about anything but trying to avoid wetting my pants, I ignore him and keep walking with my goal in mind. He follows for a bit, but when seeing his attentions are not returned, he turns around and begins to attempt to make a move on my roommate thinking she may have not seen what just happened. It was phenomenal....and I did make it to the loo btw.
• Two days ago, I was riding the bus from the train to work and was the only person on it for a few blocks and the bus driver proceeded to tell me I should take pictures. That my lips were so beautiful, he just wanted to touch them. And that he was going to come visit me Starbucks (he's the regular bus driver at the time I go in as the morning mid around 6:30am, so he knows where I get off...and most of the time, I'm in uniform already). He asked if I was seeing anyone and when I answered yes, he asked if I had enough friends and if he could have that position and my number....This isn't my favorite story, but it's still fresh in my mind and with any top five, the last one listed is often the one of least consequence.

As a bonus to my ridiculous stories, I will include two from my friends that tickled me.

• The homeless in the city often are some of the most bold because they have nothing to loose in being forward with you. Sometimes, their attempts are more clever than those that have plenty. My friend C was walking downtown one day on the way to an audition I believe. She was in a bit of a hurry, but had to stop when this man said to her "If I had a phone would you call me." She didn't know how to respond except to say yes for the cleverness and originality. I think it's absolutely endearing!
• While on the train to Hyde Park with my best friend (who is absolutely gorgeous), this man offers me his seat as the train was packed where we got on. I refused because it was a bit further away from her and we love to make up stories for people on the train. When he gets up to leave a few stops later he stops and turns around saying to her "Girl, I will regret this for the rest of my life if I don't tell you this. Girl your hair is fabutastic. That's two words - fabulous and fantastic." I'm sure he said more as the door was opening, but both of us were fighting back laughter from his explanation of the word. At first I thought he was gay, but she sees him quite frequently on the train and apparently he is not.
  

Well...hopefully you've enjoyed. I will have stories for you soon. Happy Valentine's Day!