It's that time of year when the world feels the necessity to change for the next month or so before regressing into old habits. As per my last post, I actually lived up to most of what I wanted in 2011: I was a bit more of a hussie for certain, I collected newspapers (whether or not I read them is unimportant - I became a hoarder of current events) and I've definitely learned to love myself more. I wasn't really all that daring nor did I audition for anything - but I did have a couple of singing gigs and snagged nifty internship (2 seasons now).
This year, is the year of being resolved - knowing that my flaws make me beautiful and attempting to continue having those vices that aren't harmful to others.
I do really want to attempt the following as well:
*Read even more! 2 books a month is my goal - two jobs and an internship don't leave much time.
*Refrain from watching the tele....I've actually been working on this for a month or so and it's going quite well. I make exceptions for movies with friends.
*Audition for at least 5 things this year. (I should do more, but I figure I have to start somewhere).
*Finish School.
*Push myself musically harder than I ever have ( I know this is entirely subjective).
I think it's completely doable!
I've begun this year with a detox - 6 days strong only 25 more to go. Next month instead of denying myself food, I'll be denying myself shopping. I think it's really great to know the feeling of emptiness - food wise and am looking forward to the lessons that this month and the next will teach me. I'm feeling so Zen right now.
30 December 2011
16 December 2011
My Life as the Maury Povich Show
"The problem with people who have no vices is that generally you can be pretty sure they're going to have some pretty annoying virtues."
Elizbeth Taylor
Paternity tests and baby daddies? No. Maybe that's a tad extreme, but I went from having no action in three and a half years to apparently being the talk of the town - literally! I don't understand why anybody cares. I suppose I lived all of my resolutions for the year which is a positive in this situation...hmm...be careful what you wish for may truly apply here.
A month or two ago I slept with someone that I'm now (and even then) really regretting sleeping with. We were friends and I was incredibly tired and tipsy and mindless. So mindless that I either forgot or chose to ignore that he was seeing my roommate's friend - casually, but still they were hanging out and she was quite invested emotionally it seems. I don't really know where he stood in all of the matter because after I've heard stories from all sides that are conflicting.
Either way, I slept with him and thought nothing of it for the past month because I assumed it didn't mean anything. Did I at one point feel something for him? Definitely friendship and possibly confused for a moment as to how strong those feelings were....but I knew what the deal was. We both wanted a fuck and just happened to be in the right place (or wrong) at the right time.
Well, a week or so ago I was at the bar he works just hanging out and as I leave, he kisses me - which confuses me. I move on though - until the next night that is. I return to the bar for a friends birthday and as usual close the bar out and stay after hours. I have to be up the next morning for Starbucks at 5:30am and it's already 3 something. So, I've decided to either stay at my friends house for an hour or just stay up...we leave the bar and he keeps asking if I just want to go home (his home) and I say no primarily because this girl that's into him is at the next bar waiting for him...and although I've slept with him once, I'm not sure that I really want to go down that road again.
He's obviously displeased with this answer and pushes me into a doorway/alcove and again is trying to make out. I pull away again for two reasons: 1) he kisses like a fish and I don't know that my face should be that wet ever and 2) I feel uneasy about the fact that he knows that there is someone waiting for him and he's trying to snog with me.
I need to be completely honest: I don't really have a huge problem with being the other woman - especially if someone is as unattached as it appears he is. I'm more than fine with open relationships and don't really equate sex with love or place as much emphasis on the virtues of it. Maybe it's because the early part of my life was so rife with restrictions and religious barriers that I'm all about the 'free love'. There are worse things than pleasing someone physically (and hopefully - but not always - being pleased in return)....but I've digressed.
I guess I've said that to say that I'm not necessarily sorry for the act, but I am sorry for causing pain where unnecessary. In the same breath, however, I was not alone there and I don't have ties with this girl beyond my roomie. If the two of them did have an agreement, he would be the one to answer for that - not me especially because the pursuit was mainly on his side.
After trying to snog, he tells me there are girls in the next club/bar that are into him...not quite sure why that was pertinent or necessary at the moment; but because I honestly wasn't there for that I said that I knew and didn't care...knowing that he meant to try to get with one of them for the evening.
I enter the second club with some of the staff from the other bar and go about my merry business. I wasn't going to stand in the way of anybody's fun least of all my own.
I'm not quite sure why, but the cops come to close the club down around 4:30a. We all proceed to exit...it takes my friend a little longer than everyone else. When he does turn up, he makes a beeline toward me...and in front of everyone (the girl he's jonsing included) he pushes me into the brick again. This time wants to say something but I'm standing next to one of the girl's friends. He drunkenly stammers for her to turn away and/or close her ears (DUMB). Ignoring my unwillingness to participate in this conversation at the moment, he attempts to whisper (thinking no one can hear or see what's happening) that he didn't regret anything we did and wishes it can happen again.
Seeing this, the girl's friends are livid and start calling me a backstabbing bitch and whatnot.
The night/morning ends with him going home with the girl and her friends yelling at me as I'm trying to make sure no one who is as drunk as they were drives home. One of the other door guys is attempting to calm everyone down and found out that they knew some of what happened prior to that evening...All walk away and I'm alone at 5:15 waiting for my boss and having to deal mentally with all of this.
It doesn't get any better. I spent the next 6 hrs tired and grumpy knowing that there were a plethora of texts that I'd received and didn't want to answer.
After a nap and avoidance, I talked to a mutual friend of the girl and myself who thought that it was in my best interest and hers to have a conversation. We did. It was short and to the point - nothing exciting really....and she was gracious. Knowing that he would hear about this shortly, I decided to visit him in person to have a conversation. It wasn't of much use seeing as though he said one thing to me and something different to everyone else. Apparently, though he attempted to defend me to my roomie who was calling me a Jezebel and posting nasty things about me on the interweb, he told all of them that I was in pursuit of him for a while...that there was absolutely no emotional connection and he regretted it.
That's a doozie. Why not just admit that you fucked up and own up to what really happened. I did (do I think that it was wrong? hmmmm....).
Elizbeth Taylor
Paternity tests and baby daddies? No. Maybe that's a tad extreme, but I went from having no action in three and a half years to apparently being the talk of the town - literally! I don't understand why anybody cares. I suppose I lived all of my resolutions for the year which is a positive in this situation...hmm...be careful what you wish for may truly apply here.
A month or two ago I slept with someone that I'm now (and even then) really regretting sleeping with. We were friends and I was incredibly tired and tipsy and mindless. So mindless that I either forgot or chose to ignore that he was seeing my roommate's friend - casually, but still they were hanging out and she was quite invested emotionally it seems. I don't really know where he stood in all of the matter because after I've heard stories from all sides that are conflicting.
Either way, I slept with him and thought nothing of it for the past month because I assumed it didn't mean anything. Did I at one point feel something for him? Definitely friendship and possibly confused for a moment as to how strong those feelings were....but I knew what the deal was. We both wanted a fuck and just happened to be in the right place (or wrong) at the right time.
Well, a week or so ago I was at the bar he works just hanging out and as I leave, he kisses me - which confuses me. I move on though - until the next night that is. I return to the bar for a friends birthday and as usual close the bar out and stay after hours. I have to be up the next morning for Starbucks at 5:30am and it's already 3 something. So, I've decided to either stay at my friends house for an hour or just stay up...we leave the bar and he keeps asking if I just want to go home (his home) and I say no primarily because this girl that's into him is at the next bar waiting for him...and although I've slept with him once, I'm not sure that I really want to go down that road again.
He's obviously displeased with this answer and pushes me into a doorway/alcove and again is trying to make out. I pull away again for two reasons: 1) he kisses like a fish and I don't know that my face should be that wet ever and 2) I feel uneasy about the fact that he knows that there is someone waiting for him and he's trying to snog with me.
I need to be completely honest: I don't really have a huge problem with being the other woman - especially if someone is as unattached as it appears he is. I'm more than fine with open relationships and don't really equate sex with love or place as much emphasis on the virtues of it. Maybe it's because the early part of my life was so rife with restrictions and religious barriers that I'm all about the 'free love'. There are worse things than pleasing someone physically (and hopefully - but not always - being pleased in return)....but I've digressed.
I guess I've said that to say that I'm not necessarily sorry for the act, but I am sorry for causing pain where unnecessary. In the same breath, however, I was not alone there and I don't have ties with this girl beyond my roomie. If the two of them did have an agreement, he would be the one to answer for that - not me especially because the pursuit was mainly on his side.
After trying to snog, he tells me there are girls in the next club/bar that are into him...not quite sure why that was pertinent or necessary at the moment; but because I honestly wasn't there for that I said that I knew and didn't care...knowing that he meant to try to get with one of them for the evening.
I enter the second club with some of the staff from the other bar and go about my merry business. I wasn't going to stand in the way of anybody's fun least of all my own.
I'm not quite sure why, but the cops come to close the club down around 4:30a. We all proceed to exit...it takes my friend a little longer than everyone else. When he does turn up, he makes a beeline toward me...and in front of everyone (the girl he's jonsing included) he pushes me into the brick again. This time wants to say something but I'm standing next to one of the girl's friends. He drunkenly stammers for her to turn away and/or close her ears (DUMB). Ignoring my unwillingness to participate in this conversation at the moment, he attempts to whisper (thinking no one can hear or see what's happening) that he didn't regret anything we did and wishes it can happen again.
Seeing this, the girl's friends are livid and start calling me a backstabbing bitch and whatnot.
The night/morning ends with him going home with the girl and her friends yelling at me as I'm trying to make sure no one who is as drunk as they were drives home. One of the other door guys is attempting to calm everyone down and found out that they knew some of what happened prior to that evening...All walk away and I'm alone at 5:15 waiting for my boss and having to deal mentally with all of this.
It doesn't get any better. I spent the next 6 hrs tired and grumpy knowing that there were a plethora of texts that I'd received and didn't want to answer.
After a nap and avoidance, I talked to a mutual friend of the girl and myself who thought that it was in my best interest and hers to have a conversation. We did. It was short and to the point - nothing exciting really....and she was gracious. Knowing that he would hear about this shortly, I decided to visit him in person to have a conversation. It wasn't of much use seeing as though he said one thing to me and something different to everyone else. Apparently, though he attempted to defend me to my roomie who was calling me a Jezebel and posting nasty things about me on the interweb, he told all of them that I was in pursuit of him for a while...that there was absolutely no emotional connection and he regretted it.
That's a doozie. Why not just admit that you fucked up and own up to what really happened. I did (do I think that it was wrong? hmmmm....).
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