Post Holiday Clean-up

Currently organizing my closet to help me feel less frumpy, and still fighting off this hangover (not from Christmas, but last night rather - too many Manhattans)...
Listening to LCD Soundsystem.

Apparently I have a thing for the muppets....My mood has almost instantaneously improved.
Cheers
ND

Favorite Christmas Moments...

So, my tradition is drinking gin and watching adult films for 24-48hrs straight...was slightly awkward when I had roomies. Other than those two things, however, I thought I'd share a few of my favorite Christmas moments...

Hope you all have gotten what you wanted. I know I have. Smiles!

Happy Christmas!!!

I've begun my holiday drinking binge...sadly Bombay Sapphire was sold out of the liquor store next to me, so I'm having Tanqueray Tonics for the next 24hrs. I doesn't taste as much like Christmas as Sapphire does, but I suppose it will do. (Thankfully I didn't have to pay for it because some creepy man from South Africa bought it...I assume with the hopes of getting laid. He then tried to walk me home and attempted to kiss me...fun times).
I hope you all have a very merry one!

Happy World's Not Over Day!

Hello Friends,
Yesterday morning as I went to my 5am shift at Starbucks I reveled in the idea of never working another open....guess what, we're all still here (and I still had to work at 5am again this morning). Now if Americans were smart, they would have realized that Australians were still alive and kicking being a day ahead of us, so there was really nothing to worry about. Although in our country's combined mind, we are the only thing tat matters (not my view). I do however, have to give a few points to Jell-O who I think may be trying to find something as interesting as their Cosby commercials. Good job trying to capitalize on that market of fear. I wonder if that actually brought them any more business.
As a perfect beginning to our prospective last day here on earth, I played REM's "It's The End of the World As We Know It" as I greeting my opening counterpart. We both died laughing and then started talking about our End of the World Top Fives. Now, although we're still here, I thought I'd put my lists up for you all.



My Top Five World's Ending I don't know How Far Through This Playlist We'll Get *smiles:
1) It's The End of the World As We Know It - REM
2) We Will Become Silhouettes - The Postal Service
3) Superstition - Stevie Wonder (because I could listen to it on replay for hours - don't judge)
4) While My Guitar Gently Weeps - The Beatles (another song I'd have on replay)
5) The End - The Doors (hopefully playing eerily as people vanish)

Glad you all made it!

Making Memories

My Last Day

I've been in NYC since last Tuesday to see one of my good friends perform at The Met. The production was lovely....and we went to every other opera and classical music event available to us. Today, I meet with my old boss from the Lyric who is now one of the producers at the NY Philharmonic....there is a possible job opportunity for this upcoming year. We'll see....fingers crossed. Other than that and eating from every food cart imaginable, I've not done too much (I fell down my stairs a few weeks ago and rolled my ankle, so sometimes walking proves to be a bit painful). Even with the small amount of exposure I've had, I'm in love with this place and never want to leave. I suppose I have to continue with my real life and work towards something greater, but the idea of just leaving everything behind is quite appealing right now.
I feel like I've learned so much about myself in a week, and have plans for the future that I couldn't quite see prior.
Well, I must go get ready. Hope you all are beautiful!

Pre-Op(era)

Was it yesterday or the day before? I can't quite remember because I've gone to The Met everyday for the past week.
Either way, we were waiting for The Tempest to begin...and this photo was quite possibly the best part of that two hour time span....
I generally like to find redeeming qualities in anything musical and otherwise, but the opera was HORRIBLE! The production looked stunning, but the music made me feel physically ill. We left during intermission (which I've never done).
Any way it goes though, we're in New York and experiencing what life has to offer two poor not-so-starving artists.
I hope you all are well. I'll check in again soon.
Bisous!

Subway Musicians

This is the first time I've seen subway musicians who were actually good....the song reminds me of my Grams.

Holiday...

I feel so grown up for the following reasons:
1) I bought stamps last week.
2) I mailed a thank you card three days ago - yes it was to my mother, but it still counts.
3) I payed off a debt (quite possibly again to my mum).
4) I'm in the market for a mattress....I'd like a Stearns and Foster Euro pillow top, but Lord knows Starbucks doesn't really pay enough for me to enjoy that unless I get it from the black market (if anybody has an uncle or something let me know).
And last, but certainly not least
5) I'm going on Holiday next week for the first time in my life! So excited....
I've never been to NYC, and the gay love of my life lives there now. Not only does he live there, but he's dancing in The Met's new production of Un Ballo in Maschera which is one of my favorite Verdian operas.
EEEEEK!

Foot in Mouth and Freaking Out

A gentleman caller I've been speaking with told me he started seeing someone....and I took my time to respond aside from "Well that's wonderful. Good Luck!" and thinking that they've already set the path to marriage or are somehow much more than he alluded to. He asks if what were/are (use your vivid imagination) is done. I said no and that I assumed that was the reason he was telling me....he replies "no" and something about honesty. Being the brilliant person I am, I asked if she cared. He said she doesn't really know (where's the truth in that?).
So I stew for a couple of days until last night, whilst a bit tipsy, I go into some rant via email on how I understand married people seeing a call girl but not beginning a relationship and keeping someone to fuck on the side. May have been super intense...definitely scared him off. (Not that I should care, but I'm so tired of being the other woman. It's exhausting! And I'm starting to feel like that's all I'm good for...like nothing I feel or think matters to another person - I guess that's kind of the point though...)
Two Points Me...I guess.

Fraud...

Somehow someone in California withdrew $503.00 from my account...dying! Smooth criminal for certain...because I've never lost my bank card, haven't been in California for twelve years, and have never given my pin to anyone.
Hmmm.

Dying Roses

I'm sitting at home. Alone. Looking at the flowers I bought for myself weeks ago that have since wilted but not lost any of their beauty...listening to Johnny Hartman and John Coltrane while smoking a cigarette (I do once or twice a year) and eating a doughnut (laughing). And I just thought to myself, "I'm that person."  The one in the horrendously boring but beautiful sequence at the beginning of many indie films. And I'm completely content with that. Smiles.
I hope that you all are doing wonderfully, and have much better stories to share than I do at present.
Cheers
ND

PS...this was the time I've segmented to attempt running. I don't think that's ever going to happen....

Making Peace

I used to hate myself. Couldn't stand the way I looked and struggled with how 'sinful' my thoughts were. I used to think I was completely past love and redemption. Which is kind of funny that those thoughts for me went hand in hand.
Very gradually, I've learned to accept who I am politically and as a woman who swears like a sailor and likes to...well fill in the blank. But it wasn't until very recently that I've become okay with the way I look.
I know it's probably entirely trivial to everyone else, but I had an aha moment today. I finally like me.
I no longer hate how large my posterior is...or how my lips take up 90% of my face...or my flat nose...or anything else for that matter (aside from how dry my skin is at times...making it necessary for me to have pedis more than the average person...who wants to curl up near an aligator?).
The way I came to this was entirely illegal - and I'm not ashamed...nor do I feel I have need to be! I have learned so much in this short period of time and have become a little less jaded about life that I feel it's entirely right for me at present.
Smiles

The Painted Lady

We, each of us, wear a mask
Concealing in some way our souls.
Some are more brilliant than others
With the blues and purples and golds...
We cannot be harmed should this face be put forth.
Sadly, however, it shows not our worth.
And, in the end, we're in further than planned in this life that is not really our own.

Now That's a Chastity Belt: Republican Candidate says Uterus Fends off Rapists!

Now That's a Chastity Belt: Republican Candidate says Uterus Fends off Rapists!

All's Well That Ends Well

It's 9 days in my new apartment and on path for my new life. The first night was a bit shaky. I live across from the beach and there were two ambulances, three fire trucks, a scuba rescue team, and countless cop cars taking turns blocking the intersection at midnight for an hour and a half. I see this all whilst walking to and from Giordano's to get my stuffed cheese pizza (which I really shouldn't have done, but I had no groceries...need to go on a post moving diet).
Of course the only logical conclusion (in my mind) to draw from this is they're looking for a body. There's no way that a person survived an hour and a half being lost in Lake Michigan! So being the dramatic person I am, I spend that time staring at the flashing lights wondering what that person's last moments were like, and what it felt like to drown....what exactly was going through their mind in that moment right before their heart stopped beating? Slightly morbid, I know, but I've always been a bit death obsessed. From wondering what it was like, I move to thinking about how haunted Lake Michigan must be. And from that to wondering what their cries sounded like...thinking they were the voices of the Sirens.
It was somewhat beautiful, but entirely creepy thus giving me issues with sleep.
I texted a friend who has since not stopped making fun of me because apparently dead bodies turn up all the time in Chicago, and I should be used to it by now. I disagree. I don't want to become callused to others' lives (well and the absence of them).
I've not found out what happened, nor do I think I want to because I'm not sure I want to think about the reality of my imagination. Either way I can finally sleep in the new space...and as soon as I've finished the Great Decorate, I will post some photographs.
I hope you all are doing wonderfully.
Cheers Lovies!

Haters will...what's that again?

I'm really tired of judgmental cunts telling me what to feel or not feel....or what to say. If I talk about sex too much for you, talk to someone else. I don't understand why your morals should rule my existence. Why your desires are the only ones that matter is strange to me.
And maybe we haven't had a real conversation in nearly a year because you're always with your live in boyfriend...and when you're not with him, you're talking to him on the phone during the time you've designated for me. That drives me batty!
If being vanilla makes you happy, then do it, but don't expect me to be the same. Don't expect that my conversation will sound like that of a middle aged nun (one that is perfectly happy with their situation that is).
We've ceased to have commonalities...I'm sorry, but it seems that's the case. And that doesn't make me a reprobate - it simply means I've moved on and so have you (just in opposite directions).
1 Aug cannot come soon enough!

A Room of One's Own

In a little over a month, I moving out of my current apt and into a studio. I'm so excited to feel grown up - living on my own and all...very Virginia Woolf minus the depression and drowning.

FML

I start feeling somewhat vulnerable with someone, and I find out I'm not well....so I think I freaked him out...and umm....am back to beginning - now with a few more bruises than before and terrified of what's next.
FML!

The Lady Is A Tramp

Blue Diamond Cab 421

As per the unusual state of life and prophecy (I suppose), I got into cab 421 today. The driver's name I cannot remember or maybe I never asked. Moments after almost getting hit by a bus while running across the street to a cab that stopped but couldn't turn around, I close the door and the driver asks - rather tells me I'm a singer. Strange I thought, but giggled the way I do when nervous and said yes. I told him a bit about the opera, and he tells me a bit about his intuition.
He says he normally can tell what someone does or what their sign is based upon first appearance. I ask him my sign and he fumbles..."Libra" he finally calls out. I giggle a bit and tell him he's wrong and that I'm a Virgo born on the cusp (of Leo and Virgo).
He proceeds then to tell me my life - some of it vague, some not. I was sort of astounded at the accuracy of my  history, and how on point things with the future sounded as well. I've never gone to a psychic...my family is quite religious blah, blah, blah...and they think it's evil...though I don't practice, I've always been scared to see one for fear that I, like King Saul, may learn of my own death (from battle I plan on fighting in tomorrow)...This experience, however, was quite different from what I expected. And for the price of a cab ride from Lincoln Park to River North, I gained some insight into what I'm going through right now and what is soon to come. Who knows if the future is accurate, but it was worth the ride.

Four Months Into the Year of the Detox

Both times I was on the El today, the train was delayed...at 4:30 in the morning on the way to work, I was incredibly peeved - could barely breathe because of agitation ...well that and running to the train. And this afternoon on the way home, we were told there was to be a two minute delay. I wasn't really in a hurry to get anywhere but in the back of my mind was keeping time. Exactly two minutes later the train began once again on it's course, and I thought to myself how long that moment felt. The minutes were rife with incomplete thoughts that seemed to bounce about as if I were in the midst of some deep philosophical argument that dealt with our concept of time. 

Once home - or nearly so - I remembered that this is the year of my detox. The first month was food. The second two were from shopping. It's been two weeks into April which was supposed to be 30 days of yoga and meditation, but I've been incredibly lax. I think that I need to remember to quiet my mind sometimes....there's no need to get agitated or be in a rush to get home. And while I think an active mind is preferable, sometimes we do too much. We plan so much...and are vile when those plans are foiled. We expect the world and sometimes push ourselves too hard to obtain it when maybe we need to just let it be. I'm not saying that I don't want to be goal driven, but instead of filling my time off with needless shite maybe I need to learn be content to do nothing.

I think this is the hardest concept so far this year, but I'm totally recommitting to 30+ days of yoga/meditation. I think it may do me good. 

If anyone has detox ideas for June through December, let me know. I'm open to nearly anything (minus sex and swearing...I don't know if I can live without either).

Cheers

Hunger

I fail to be who I thought I was...and I'm learning to live with that. I've done things I could have never imagined doing, but I don't regret it. To regret would be to take away the value of individual circumstances...and that's what makes life - a collection of small moments.

Still.

The judgement.

The disapproval.

The reproach.

They all become difficult to handle. I feel sort of alone right now...though Love's for sale and never a lack of suitors.

I desire something more...

But it terrifies me.

I'm from Mars, Men are from Venus...

I seem to take issue with men for all sorts of reasons...

1)All they want is sex...why can't they seem to give a shit about the person it is with?

2)Once they've had it, they seem to leave as soon as they can find whatever shit they've thrown off in the moment...

3) Conversations are only useful if it leads to the aforementioned.

4)They want more than sex and don't just leave when it's over.

5)Once they've had it with someone that matters, they leave no room in which to breath.

6)The most vulnerable conversations they have are after the aforementioned.

Seem circular? I can admit my thought process is slightly skewed. I hate the men who don't want more as jerks, and I despise the men that do labeling them too sensitive. It's a loose, loose situation if you are a man in my life...

Like this poor guy who I'll keep nameless...Minutes ago he came and I was proud of my accomplishment. Shortly after he reached the pinnacle, he said that he really liked me and wants to make this work (essentially - I couldn't cum for the first time in my life and I'm not quite sure why, but I didn't want to completely waste a sexual encounter...so I finished him). The thing is I'm not feeling him....I'm into a couple of other people at present and he just doesn't fit the bill....I don't know why because on paper, we're fantastic together...but I'm just not that into him.

I don't know when the right time to deal with this is, but I felt nauseated as he talked about the allusive 'us'. I'm sure that I've done the same exact thing to some guy who wanted to fuck, but had little other interest in more. I simply don't recall how it was handled and how it made me feel...This is so hard!

L'Opera

Went to see Aida for the 3rd time last night (2 with the first cast of allstars and 1 with the second cast of Lyric debuts/more Verdian allstars)...I thought it was good the first two times, but I nearly had an orgasm listening to Hiu He. She's phenomenal! Left the theatre in tears - which is the whole object of the medium...to feel something. Still in a state of un peu de la mort.

Figure Studies

Patience is a Virtue I Struggle to Posses

I decided to bake today after work. I have no food - and no money to purchase food....I thought about stealing from the grocery (a larger retailer if that makes anything better), but I'm too lazy to walk there and I feel like I need to have a decoy or something...and I don't.
The thing that sucks is that I have champagne taste and a water wallet at the moment. So even though I spent a whole $6 (that I didn't have to spend) yesterday on veggies, all I really wanted to get was Gruyere with which to make fondue to eat the veg with! But at $7-15 a pound, I couldn't justify it...and the one time I forget to bring my canvas grocery bag with is the day I really want to 'borrow' something tasty.
So, I'm at home hoping that I don't have to hook to make next months' rent especially because I've just started getting serious about this guy, and I don't really want to have to explain why I feel the compelled to get tested and avoid sex with him for a little while...It's just entirely too complicated!
While pondering my financial demise, I decide that I'm going to be creative. I'm going to attempt to be the next Julia Childs...what do I do? I decide to make French bread hoping I can convince one of my friends to supply the cheese needed for dipping. Two rises and 3 hours later I thought I would get to put my delicious, soon to be crusty bread in the oven for it's final stages...NOPE...I have 4 hours longer of it being in the fridge to develop it's flavor and texture; and, after that 4 hours, I have an hour to let it warm to room temperature before I can even think about placing it in the oven! 5 MORE FUCKING HOURS! Generally I'd be somewhat zen about this situation, but I'm starving! This is lunch/dinner...Breathing or attempting to.

Mysteries

I was talking with my roomie about sex and relationships yesterday, and she informed me about one or two things...
1) Apparently open relationships have no point. That if you're in love with someone, you should work at having them be your only....what's the point of a relationship with someone if you plan on sleeping around?

And

2) Men don't care for women who put out too quickly. There is some kind of hunter-gatherer game that goes on, and, once the prize is won, there is no longer any point.

Oh and...

3) I seem to be emotionless to onlookers. She cannot read me, and therefore I don't posses depth of feelings - am not able to be figured out....apparently I can live without people.

My rebuttal?
1)There are degrees of openness in relationships - which you and your significant other agree upon. If you're with someone who doesn't like sharing (what she called it), you decide whether you think they or the relationship is worth bending part of who you are for whatever period of time you are together. Otherwise, leave and find someone else who wants what you want.
It doesn't make the relationship(s) any less real or grown up than those who can be or choose to be monogamous...just different.
As a point under that, she didn't understand the idea of not planning on being with one person for the rest of your life....and I didn't understand planning anything where relationships and sexuality are concerned. I don't know that there is only one person - The One - for everyone. I think there are a series of relationships that add meaning and enrich our lives beautifully. I think we all have a series of soul mates - it's simply a matter of finding and choosing those we want to be with for eternity on earth.
Maybe I'm completely off base, but it's what I think.

2) I really have no idea how men think. None whatsoever. She could be right. In that case, I'd never be respected. Sucks to be me.

And finally

3)I can live without some people - not all. And I think I actually wear my heart on my sleeve most of the time. Maybe it's that the decoder of my emotions isn't in her possession. I normally say what I mean. Maybe I filter sometimes (doesn't everybody), but I generally don't say anything I'm not feeling.

I just don't understand.

Dion The Wanderer

Such is my life...

Cupid Says No!

So, I've joined every possible dating website that's free and doesn't look incredibly creepy (so like two sites) - something I told myself and the world I'd never do.
It's not that I've had a lack of opportunity in the real world. It's that the opportunities that have presented themselves haven't been anything near what I want. I seem to meet people in person who are very forward with what they want sexually, but pretty much cease to have anything else to add to my existence. For me that's not enough. I have this past year had more one night stands than I'd care to recall (not really - I'm completely self-satisfied in this), and many of them have actually been phenomenal experiences physically. It's not that I want a ton more than phenomenal physicality, but that I'd prefer it not be with a series of strangers. I don't really want a deep and meaningful partnership, but I want to be able to have a conversation that goes past, 'oh god' and 'don't stop' or whatever else people say.
All of this to say that on one of these sites, I've had a number of gentlemen callers that have been neat. Kind of quirky, kind of cute and pretty cool. Each of them has approached me respectfully - that is until today. Some random man thought it would be cool to let me know that he looked at my picture and jacked off...Why the fuck would you do that? I mean, we all do 'that', but why would your opening remarks to someone be that you got off at the thought of them?
If I were at all familiar with him, I think I'd be much less appalled...maybe even flattered (depending on who it was and the relationship we had) but a total stranger?
Disgusting!

Public Transit Today

Initially I thought I posted during what felt like the world's worst bus ride. That was at 12:30pm today. I have since lived through one far worse, I can hardly speak of it.....but I'm going to post for the world (or the 5 people that ever visit) to read.
Bus trip Numero Uno:
Route #8 Halsted Northbound to Waveland/Broadway
Time of Entry: 12:15
Time of Incident: 12:36-12:45
Description of Incident:
Well, it wasn't really an incident so much as an occurrence. A rather long and disgusting occurrence. I have a difficult time on the CTA anyway because of the horrid smell of stale pee, Santorum, and really nasty people....not that I ever judge anything...but today, for me, takes the cake because the action - no, the offense, rather was happening directly next to me. I was sitting next to the loveliest elderly lady who smelled a bit of moth balls and may have had bright fuschia lipstick that someone in Mary Kay sold to her in the early 1980s when she reached her destination. She said some parting words that I didn't really understand and we waived goodbye. As this quaint exchange ended, a creature from the Abyss took my friend's seat. Now, when I say creature, I may mean a lady in her late 20s with skin that isn't so great who had a sniffle. I don't exaggerate much I promise. This sniffle turned into the need for a tissue - which she did have, but it had passed it's usefulness in this life. So, as she notices this, but still has a need to relieve her nose of it's ailments; she, instead of asking for a tissue, proceeds to blow her nose in her hand. HER HAND I say!!!!! Explicative Here. I am sitting on the inside seat where I can neither get up or completely avoid contact with this creature's person. I thought that maybe now, she had finished emptying the entire contents of her sinuses and nasal track. Aha, but no...she does this for 10 minutes - well 9, but 10 sounds better. How in the world do you blow your nose in your hand in public for 10 fucking minutes???????????? Of course when she goes to leave, she touches every possible surface in the bus...I leave two stops later and run home to shower off whatever disease that creature was attempting to share with the whole of the bus!

Story one is finished and I do promise the second is not gross by any stretch of the imagination - just mortifying....if this sound intriguing, keep reading.

Numero Dos:
Route #36 Northbound to Broadway/Devon
Time of Entry: 5:08pm
Time of Incident:5:44pm
Description of Incident:
Let me set the scene for you by saying that I just left an interview and was completely dolled up - red lipstick, heels, the works and I have now missed 2 buses by a hair! I finally enter the #36 and greet the driver as usual whilst looking to see if there is any seating. Guess what...there is not, and, even if there were, two elderly ladies would have had the right to those seats first.
So, resolved to learn to balance and not be too in the way, I make my way towards the back of the bus where the second door is (there's a bit more space and better things to hold onto here). I spend the next 20 minutes or so in jerking traffic until a young man sees that I have no stability whatsoever and gives me his seat (which I trip on my way to). Things go well for a little while and traffic is beginning to clear...and we're on our merry way until a stop near Addison where it seems we may have hit something small - a rock or rusty nail...I'm really not too worried at this point. That is, until the gentleman seated next to me decides he wants to leave. I get up to allow him out and as I move back to my seat, I trip (again), throw my purse and hit an old man with what feels like a 20 pound weight. Oh, but wait....I go to get it and drop it again. So Mortified that I've hurt this man, I leave the bus and begin to walk home (until I see another bus).
"If you don't see the crazy person on the bus, you're it" -How I Met Your Mother

Fin

J'ai Fini!

Last night I quit the restaurant job without giving notice. The chef is/was an asshole that was unwilling to work with me on two days that I requested off for my internship...and I was just not having anymore of his less than professional behavior affect me 5 days a week. So done and happy for the first time in months (at least with the job situation)!

Conundrums

We are told to feel yet punished when we cry. Laughed at when our honesty takes hold of us.
We are told to stand up for ourselves but broken down whilst so doing.
We are told to be individual and then shown what to wear, what to listen to and what to read.
Is there anything in life that is pure?
Are we allowed to do anything that is expected of us without stipulations?

I'm so vain!

But totally stoked about these photos...needed to post more!
Please don't hate.

Headshots!!!!

So my friend is in the start up stages of her own photography and design business and she asked me to 'pose' for her...I said it was serendipitous because I need headshots - and the rest they say is history.
There's only one photo up so far, but I love it!
You can find her other work at www.candidclicker.com
Cheers

The Mess that is My Life

I've been known for years as the girl who has her closet on the floor...my room always used to be so messy that you'd have to create a path to ensure you weren't stepping on a camera or messing up a pair of shoes that I forgot was in the pile of clean clothes that have been awaiting a hanger for four years.
Sometime in this past year, things have changed a bit. I have actually hung up and organized my clothes and the shoes in my closet....my current problem however, is books and mail. I think I may be a bit of a hoarder. I find that it takes me a week whenever I do decide to clean up to see the entirety of my floor...primarily because I find cool things like this to be doing.
How do you all feel being my escape from doing what I should be doing?
(Oh, the first pic was from college...the second is now...that's together, but the rest is a mess).