Hello Again

Thank you all for your kind thoughts....Sorry to have been gone for so long. I plan to catch up on my reading this week and hopefully will have some enchantingly awkward stories of my life for you soon.
Smiles

Goodbye

The most important person in my world to date is laying in the next room allowing her body to deteriorate and I can do nothing. She has two days - three at most the doctors say...and I have nothing to say, but feel that in some way I need to memorialize my grams:

Love You Sammie Hammie, and although I've said it to you quite a bit, it's never enough. My world will be significantly different without you in it. And forever, you will be my sunshine (I've been singing it to you this week, but am not sure you've heard...nonetheless, I just wanted you and the world to know).

Hopefully soon I will write with something earth shatteringly beautiful, but for now, that's really it.

Earnest Attempts

I was on my way from work to visit my best friend's mom in the hospital and decided to take her a decaf pumpkin spice latte to make her smile (before I realized that she wouldn't be awake or able to drink/eat anything for the next few days - I tried). I made the beverage extra hot because of the fifteen minute bus ride...and forgot a stopper, but didn't have time to rectify the situation and make it there in time for me to spend an hour with her before going to see The Importance of Being Earnest for free at one of the equity theatres in Lincoln Park...It was snowing, so I kept slipping a bit, but the drink was in tact when I entered the bus. I sat in one of the front seats next to a man who is a paralyzed...I proceeded to converse with him about music because when I entered the bus, he said something to me that I couldn't quite understand, but I pretended I did and had to keep up the facade with a complete stranger because I didn't want to look bad. While we're talking, he takes off his headphones with the one arm he seemed to have good control of. They fall to the ground and I retrieve them for him....we've become fast friends. His stop is reached, and he asks me to put his headphones back on for him. Then, he resends the request, remembering that I have coffee in my hand. I, wanting to be this wonder woman figure say that I can do it for him....and while using only one hand to secure the headphones, I lost my balance a bit and spilled a bit of hot coffee on his head (thankfully covered by a new North Face hat) and his new jacket. I felt like such shite. The entire rush hour bus was staring at me in disapproval...Never again will I overestimate my powers of smoothness!

Trafficking

So far it's all been for me....which is lovely, but I need to find friends...

The Art of Happiness

I was just reading or re-reading parts of the Dali Lama's Live in a Better Way earlier today while on the bus back from work.
And, I really don't know how much I understand or agree with Buddhist philosophy altogether (I find it hard to think that there is no god or creator, that we become creators ourselves through enlightenment, and that souls aren't eternal...I grew up in a very Christian household and was homeschooled and indoctrinated everyday....so even though I don't really agree with or believe all of the dogmas of Christianity, I find it hard to unlearn some of the main principles although I don't really worship any god presently...sorry for the long side-note); but some of what he says about compassion and altruism leading to true happiness, I find myself agreeing with.

After long talks with friends yesterday, and a hateful shift at work with the world's most arrogant and obnoxious shift supervisor (who right out told a customer that their opinion didn't matter because she, the supervisor, is the only individual - other than her daughter and fiance - who matters), I found myself wanting to punch someone in the face or do something calming.

Thank god I hit like a girl and wouldn't really do much ill to a fly...so I just cried and was full of angst until I read about the ill effects of negative thinking - which I'm not so easy to agree with. Although, anger really can be a useless emotion, I find that I enjoy (as much as one can) being pessimistic. I feed into it with so much of my energy....and sometimes it's beneficial because I'm proved wrong - which I'm learning to admit. And I've always thought that the more cynical one is, the more learned they have become through time....it's a sort of Darwinian fact - or so I thought (and am struggling not to).

I wonder though if I've had it wrong, because when I did begin to meditate and try to let all of the ill of the day go - though it wasn't easy and I'm not quite sure how far I got, I didn't feel anxious all of the sudden. I was in some ways allowing myself to be ignorant of all that happened...or maybe I was completely aware. I honestly don't know, but it was easier afterwards that is for certain.

I cannot remember the verse or anything, but I do remember this one Bible verse quite often actually : "A joyful heart is good medicine." Even though the thoughts mayn't be a hundred percent succinct, I feel that the Buddah and Christ may have something they agree on...and they might be right.

I wonder how many ailments may be lessened without stress and with allowing ourselves to experience true happiness.

The New Kissing Booth

I don't know if they still exist (or ever really did) at state fairs and carnivals country wide, but remember kissing booths? Gentlemen would stand in line for minutes at a time to be one of many to make out with a lovely young lady at a price...maybe a dollar, but, for the lady's sake, hopefully more.

Well, yesterday as I was leaving work, I had the realization that Starbucks is the New Kissing Booth (really it could be any coffee shop, but I personally work at the Buck). I was thinking about this guy that I have a crush on that visits possibly once a week, and, if I'm lucky, I get to wait on him. We make conversation that lasts for what feels like forever no matter how meaningless. Someone inevitably comes to the line, and then we have awkward moments of pause before he leaves. One day I'll grow the ovaries to ask him out though I'd rather he ask me. Yes, I may be a tad old fashioned, but I still like to feel chased after or wanted....and I'm not quite sure he's really into me or if it's the Starbucks Kissing Booth moment we have when he buys his double tall dirty soy no water chai.

Why am I confused? The last time he came in, one of the bouncers from a bar that's just across the street came in (like he does everyday) just before him. And, because they take care of us when we go to the bars, we take care of them....and as I was making his drink, he starts to ask questions about my relationship status and why I'm still single...because he thinks I'm nice (he says giving me the one up). Then he tells me to stop by the bar after work for drinks on him or just to say bye for the night...I think nothing of this because it's normal everyday behavior for him and a bunch of the other regulars. It's almost expected. When the bouncer left, my crush was standing as far from me as he possibly could have until I spoke to him. And now I think that it looks like I'm a huge flirt or that I think nothing of him because of the interactions that I have with other customers in line.

I don't know why, but I seem to find myself acting flirtatious with everyone....Coffee shops are like Cheers but during the day. People want to go where everyone knows their name and are excited to see them. It's my job to give each customer I come in contact with approximately 2 minutes of bliss before I send them on their way. It's like a $5 kissing booth where all the customers get up to you and just want to talk about their feelings instead of acting on them.
Then of course I think, if Starbucks is a kissing booth, what are bars? The new brothels?