02 March 2012
24 February 2012
Cupid Says No!
So, I've joined every possible dating website that's free and doesn't look incredibly creepy (so like two sites) - something I told myself and the world I'd never do.
It's not that I've had a lack of opportunity in the real world. It's that the opportunities that have presented themselves haven't been anything near what I want. I seem to meet people in person who are very forward with what they want sexually, but pretty much cease to have anything else to add to my existence. For me that's not enough. I have this past year had more one night stands than I'd care to recall (not really - I'm completely self-satisfied in this), and many of them have actually been phenomenal experiences physically. It's not that I want a ton more than phenomenal physicality, but that I'd prefer it not be with a series of strangers. I don't really want a deep and meaningful partnership, but I want to be able to have a conversation that goes past, 'oh god' and 'don't stop' or whatever else people say.
All of this to say that on one of these sites, I've had a number of gentlemen callers that have been neat. Kind of quirky, kind of cute and pretty cool. Each of them has approached me respectfully - that is until today. Some random man thought it would be cool to let me know that he looked at my picture and jacked off...Why the fuck would you do that? I mean, we all do 'that', but why would your opening remarks to someone be that you got off at the thought of them?
If I were at all familiar with him, I think I'd be much less appalled...maybe even flattered (depending on who it was and the relationship we had) but a total stranger?
Disgusting!
It's not that I've had a lack of opportunity in the real world. It's that the opportunities that have presented themselves haven't been anything near what I want. I seem to meet people in person who are very forward with what they want sexually, but pretty much cease to have anything else to add to my existence. For me that's not enough. I have this past year had more one night stands than I'd care to recall (not really - I'm completely self-satisfied in this), and many of them have actually been phenomenal experiences physically. It's not that I want a ton more than phenomenal physicality, but that I'd prefer it not be with a series of strangers. I don't really want a deep and meaningful partnership, but I want to be able to have a conversation that goes past, 'oh god' and 'don't stop' or whatever else people say.
All of this to say that on one of these sites, I've had a number of gentlemen callers that have been neat. Kind of quirky, kind of cute and pretty cool. Each of them has approached me respectfully - that is until today. Some random man thought it would be cool to let me know that he looked at my picture and jacked off...Why the fuck would you do that? I mean, we all do 'that', but why would your opening remarks to someone be that you got off at the thought of them?
If I were at all familiar with him, I think I'd be much less appalled...maybe even flattered (depending on who it was and the relationship we had) but a total stranger?
Disgusting!
16 February 2012
Public Transit Today
Initially I thought I posted during what felt like the world's worst bus ride. That was at 12:30pm today. I have since lived through one far worse, I can hardly speak of it.....but I'm going to post for the world (or the 5 people that ever visit) to read.
Bus trip Numero Uno:
Route #8 Halsted Northbound to Waveland/Broadway
Time of Entry: 12:15
Time of Incident: 12:36-12:45
Description of Incident:
Well, it wasn't really an incident so much as an occurrence. A rather long and disgusting occurrence. I have a difficult time on the CTA anyway because of the horrid smell of stale pee, Santorum, and really nasty people....not that I ever judge anything...but today, for me, takes the cake because the action - no, the offense, rather was happening directly next to me. I was sitting next to the loveliest elderly lady who smelled a bit of moth balls and may have had bright fuschia lipstick that someone in Mary Kay sold to her in the early 1980s when she reached her destination. She said some parting words that I didn't really understand and we waived goodbye. As this quaint exchange ended, a creature from the Abyss took my friend's seat. Now, when I say creature, I may mean a lady in her late 20s with skin that isn't so great who had a sniffle. I don't exaggerate much I promise. This sniffle turned into the need for a tissue - which she did have, but it had passed it's usefulness in this life. So, as she notices this, but still has a need to relieve her nose of it's ailments; she, instead of asking for a tissue, proceeds to blow her nose in her hand. HER HAND I say!!!!! Explicative Here. I am sitting on the inside seat where I can neither get up or completely avoid contact with this creature's person. I thought that maybe now, she had finished emptying the entire contents of her sinuses and nasal track. Aha, but no...she does this for 10 minutes - well 9, but 10 sounds better. How in the world do you blow your nose in your hand in public for 10 fucking minutes???????????? Of course when she goes to leave, she touches every possible surface in the bus...I leave two stops later and run home to shower off whatever disease that creature was attempting to share with the whole of the bus!
Story one is finished and I do promise the second is not gross by any stretch of the imagination - just mortifying....if this sound intriguing, keep reading.
Numero Dos:
Route #36 Northbound to Broadway/Devon
Time of Entry: 5:08pm
Time of Incident:5:44pm
Description of Incident:
Let me set the scene for you by saying that I just left an interview and was completely dolled up - red lipstick, heels, the works and I have now missed 2 buses by a hair! I finally enter the #36 and greet the driver as usual whilst looking to see if there is any seating. Guess what...there is not, and, even if there were, two elderly ladies would have had the right to those seats first.
So, resolved to learn to balance and not be too in the way, I make my way towards the back of the bus where the second door is (there's a bit more space and better things to hold onto here). I spend the next 20 minutes or so in jerking traffic until a young man sees that I have no stability whatsoever and gives me his seat (which I trip on my way to). Things go well for a little while and traffic is beginning to clear...and we're on our merry way until a stop near Addison where it seems we may have hit something small - a rock or rusty nail...I'm really not too worried at this point. That is, until the gentleman seated next to me decides he wants to leave. I get up to allow him out and as I move back to my seat, I trip (again), throw my purse and hit an old man with what feels like a 20 pound weight. Oh, but wait....I go to get it and drop it again. So Mortified that I've hurt this man, I leave the bus and begin to walk home (until I see another bus).
"If you don't see the crazy person on the bus, you're it" -How I Met Your Mother
Fin
Bus trip Numero Uno:
Route #8 Halsted Northbound to Waveland/Broadway
Time of Entry: 12:15
Time of Incident: 12:36-12:45
Description of Incident:
Well, it wasn't really an incident so much as an occurrence. A rather long and disgusting occurrence. I have a difficult time on the CTA anyway because of the horrid smell of stale pee, Santorum, and really nasty people....not that I ever judge anything...but today, for me, takes the cake because the action - no, the offense, rather was happening directly next to me. I was sitting next to the loveliest elderly lady who smelled a bit of moth balls and may have had bright fuschia lipstick that someone in Mary Kay sold to her in the early 1980s when she reached her destination. She said some parting words that I didn't really understand and we waived goodbye. As this quaint exchange ended, a creature from the Abyss took my friend's seat. Now, when I say creature, I may mean a lady in her late 20s with skin that isn't so great who had a sniffle. I don't exaggerate much I promise. This sniffle turned into the need for a tissue - which she did have, but it had passed it's usefulness in this life. So, as she notices this, but still has a need to relieve her nose of it's ailments; she, instead of asking for a tissue, proceeds to blow her nose in her hand. HER HAND I say!!!!! Explicative Here. I am sitting on the inside seat where I can neither get up or completely avoid contact with this creature's person. I thought that maybe now, she had finished emptying the entire contents of her sinuses and nasal track. Aha, but no...she does this for 10 minutes - well 9, but 10 sounds better. How in the world do you blow your nose in your hand in public for 10 fucking minutes???????????? Of course when she goes to leave, she touches every possible surface in the bus...I leave two stops later and run home to shower off whatever disease that creature was attempting to share with the whole of the bus!
Story one is finished and I do promise the second is not gross by any stretch of the imagination - just mortifying....if this sound intriguing, keep reading.
Numero Dos:
Route #36 Northbound to Broadway/Devon
Time of Entry: 5:08pm
Time of Incident:5:44pm
Description of Incident:
Let me set the scene for you by saying that I just left an interview and was completely dolled up - red lipstick, heels, the works and I have now missed 2 buses by a hair! I finally enter the #36 and greet the driver as usual whilst looking to see if there is any seating. Guess what...there is not, and, even if there were, two elderly ladies would have had the right to those seats first.
So, resolved to learn to balance and not be too in the way, I make my way towards the back of the bus where the second door is (there's a bit more space and better things to hold onto here). I spend the next 20 minutes or so in jerking traffic until a young man sees that I have no stability whatsoever and gives me his seat (which I trip on my way to). Things go well for a little while and traffic is beginning to clear...and we're on our merry way until a stop near Addison where it seems we may have hit something small - a rock or rusty nail...I'm really not too worried at this point. That is, until the gentleman seated next to me decides he wants to leave. I get up to allow him out and as I move back to my seat, I trip (again), throw my purse and hit an old man with what feels like a 20 pound weight. Oh, but wait....I go to get it and drop it again. So Mortified that I've hurt this man, I leave the bus and begin to walk home (until I see another bus).
"If you don't see the crazy person on the bus, you're it" -How I Met Your Mother
Fin
11 February 2012
J'ai Fini!
Last night I quit the restaurant job without giving notice. The chef is/was an asshole that was unwilling to work with me on two days that I requested off for my internship...and I was just not having anymore of his less than professional behavior affect me 5 days a week. So done and happy for the first time in months (at least with the job situation)!
01 February 2012
Conundrums
We are told to feel yet punished when we cry. Laughed at when our honesty takes hold of us.
We are told to stand up for ourselves but broken down whilst so doing.
We are told to be individual and then shown what to wear, what to listen to and what to read.
Is there anything in life that is pure?
Are we allowed to do anything that is expected of us without stipulations?
We are told to stand up for ourselves but broken down whilst so doing.
We are told to be individual and then shown what to wear, what to listen to and what to read.
Is there anything in life that is pure?
Are we allowed to do anything that is expected of us without stipulations?
30 January 2012
29 January 2012
Headshots!!!!
So my friend is in the start up stages of her own photography and design business and she asked me to 'pose' for her...I said it was serendipitous because I need headshots - and the rest they say is history.
There's only one photo up so far, but I love it!
You can find her other work at www.candidclicker.com
Cheers
12 January 2012
The Mess that is My Life
I've been known for years as the girl who has her closet on the floor...my room always used to be so messy that you'd have to create a path to ensure you weren't stepping on a camera or messing up a pair of shoes that I forgot was in the pile of clean clothes that have been awaiting a hanger for four years.
Sometime in this past year, things have changed a bit. I have actually hung up and organized my clothes and the shoes in my closet....my current problem however, is books and mail. I think I may be a bit of a hoarder. I find that it takes me a week whenever I do decide to clean up to see the entirety of my floor...primarily because I find cool things like this to be doing.
How do you all feel being my escape from doing what I should be doing?
(Oh, the first pic was from college...the second is now...that's together, but the rest is a mess).
30 December 2011
Resolutions Relived
It's that time of year when the world feels the necessity to change for the next month or so before regressing into old habits. As per my last post, I actually lived up to most of what I wanted in 2011: I was a bit more of a hussie for certain, I collected newspapers (whether or not I read them is unimportant - I became a hoarder of current events) and I've definitely learned to love myself more. I wasn't really all that daring nor did I audition for anything - but I did have a couple of singing gigs and snagged nifty internship (2 seasons now).
This year, is the year of being resolved - knowing that my flaws make me beautiful and attempting to continue having those vices that aren't harmful to others.
I do really want to attempt the following as well:
*Read even more! 2 books a month is my goal - two jobs and an internship don't leave much time.
*Refrain from watching the tele....I've actually been working on this for a month or so and it's going quite well. I make exceptions for movies with friends.
*Audition for at least 5 things this year. (I should do more, but I figure I have to start somewhere).
*Finish School.
*Push myself musically harder than I ever have ( I know this is entirely subjective).
I think it's completely doable!
I've begun this year with a detox - 6 days strong only 25 more to go. Next month instead of denying myself food, I'll be denying myself shopping. I think it's really great to know the feeling of emptiness - food wise and am looking forward to the lessons that this month and the next will teach me. I'm feeling so Zen right now.
This year, is the year of being resolved - knowing that my flaws make me beautiful and attempting to continue having those vices that aren't harmful to others.
I do really want to attempt the following as well:
*Read even more! 2 books a month is my goal - two jobs and an internship don't leave much time.
*Refrain from watching the tele....I've actually been working on this for a month or so and it's going quite well. I make exceptions for movies with friends.
*Audition for at least 5 things this year. (I should do more, but I figure I have to start somewhere).
*Finish School.
*Push myself musically harder than I ever have ( I know this is entirely subjective).
I think it's completely doable!
I've begun this year with a detox - 6 days strong only 25 more to go. Next month instead of denying myself food, I'll be denying myself shopping. I think it's really great to know the feeling of emptiness - food wise and am looking forward to the lessons that this month and the next will teach me. I'm feeling so Zen right now.
16 December 2011
My Life as the Maury Povich Show
"The problem with people who have no vices is that generally you can be pretty sure they're going to have some pretty annoying virtues."
Elizbeth Taylor
Paternity tests and baby daddies? No. Maybe that's a tad extreme, but I went from having no action in three and a half years to apparently being the talk of the town - literally! I don't understand why anybody cares. I suppose I lived all of my resolutions for the year which is a positive in this situation...hmm...be careful what you wish for may truly apply here.
A month or two ago I slept with someone that I'm now (and even then) really regretting sleeping with. We were friends and I was incredibly tired and tipsy and mindless. So mindless that I either forgot or chose to ignore that he was seeing my roommate's friend - casually, but still they were hanging out and she was quite invested emotionally it seems. I don't really know where he stood in all of the matter because after I've heard stories from all sides that are conflicting.
Either way, I slept with him and thought nothing of it for the past month because I assumed it didn't mean anything. Did I at one point feel something for him? Definitely friendship and possibly confused for a moment as to how strong those feelings were....but I knew what the deal was. We both wanted a fuck and just happened to be in the right place (or wrong) at the right time.
Well, a week or so ago I was at the bar he works just hanging out and as I leave, he kisses me - which confuses me. I move on though - until the next night that is. I return to the bar for a friends birthday and as usual close the bar out and stay after hours. I have to be up the next morning for Starbucks at 5:30am and it's already 3 something. So, I've decided to either stay at my friends house for an hour or just stay up...we leave the bar and he keeps asking if I just want to go home (his home) and I say no primarily because this girl that's into him is at the next bar waiting for him...and although I've slept with him once, I'm not sure that I really want to go down that road again.
He's obviously displeased with this answer and pushes me into a doorway/alcove and again is trying to make out. I pull away again for two reasons: 1) he kisses like a fish and I don't know that my face should be that wet ever and 2) I feel uneasy about the fact that he knows that there is someone waiting for him and he's trying to snog with me.
I need to be completely honest: I don't really have a huge problem with being the other woman - especially if someone is as unattached as it appears he is. I'm more than fine with open relationships and don't really equate sex with love or place as much emphasis on the virtues of it. Maybe it's because the early part of my life was so rife with restrictions and religious barriers that I'm all about the 'free love'. There are worse things than pleasing someone physically (and hopefully - but not always - being pleased in return)....but I've digressed.
I guess I've said that to say that I'm not necessarily sorry for the act, but I am sorry for causing pain where unnecessary. In the same breath, however, I was not alone there and I don't have ties with this girl beyond my roomie. If the two of them did have an agreement, he would be the one to answer for that - not me especially because the pursuit was mainly on his side.
After trying to snog, he tells me there are girls in the next club/bar that are into him...not quite sure why that was pertinent or necessary at the moment; but because I honestly wasn't there for that I said that I knew and didn't care...knowing that he meant to try to get with one of them for the evening.
I enter the second club with some of the staff from the other bar and go about my merry business. I wasn't going to stand in the way of anybody's fun least of all my own.
I'm not quite sure why, but the cops come to close the club down around 4:30a. We all proceed to exit...it takes my friend a little longer than everyone else. When he does turn up, he makes a beeline toward me...and in front of everyone (the girl he's jonsing included) he pushes me into the brick again. This time wants to say something but I'm standing next to one of the girl's friends. He drunkenly stammers for her to turn away and/or close her ears (DUMB). Ignoring my unwillingness to participate in this conversation at the moment, he attempts to whisper (thinking no one can hear or see what's happening) that he didn't regret anything we did and wishes it can happen again.
Seeing this, the girl's friends are livid and start calling me a backstabbing bitch and whatnot.
The night/morning ends with him going home with the girl and her friends yelling at me as I'm trying to make sure no one who is as drunk as they were drives home. One of the other door guys is attempting to calm everyone down and found out that they knew some of what happened prior to that evening...All walk away and I'm alone at 5:15 waiting for my boss and having to deal mentally with all of this.
It doesn't get any better. I spent the next 6 hrs tired and grumpy knowing that there were a plethora of texts that I'd received and didn't want to answer.
After a nap and avoidance, I talked to a mutual friend of the girl and myself who thought that it was in my best interest and hers to have a conversation. We did. It was short and to the point - nothing exciting really....and she was gracious. Knowing that he would hear about this shortly, I decided to visit him in person to have a conversation. It wasn't of much use seeing as though he said one thing to me and something different to everyone else. Apparently, though he attempted to defend me to my roomie who was calling me a Jezebel and posting nasty things about me on the interweb, he told all of them that I was in pursuit of him for a while...that there was absolutely no emotional connection and he regretted it.
That's a doozie. Why not just admit that you fucked up and own up to what really happened. I did (do I think that it was wrong? hmmmm....).
Elizbeth Taylor
Paternity tests and baby daddies? No. Maybe that's a tad extreme, but I went from having no action in three and a half years to apparently being the talk of the town - literally! I don't understand why anybody cares. I suppose I lived all of my resolutions for the year which is a positive in this situation...hmm...be careful what you wish for may truly apply here.
A month or two ago I slept with someone that I'm now (and even then) really regretting sleeping with. We were friends and I was incredibly tired and tipsy and mindless. So mindless that I either forgot or chose to ignore that he was seeing my roommate's friend - casually, but still they were hanging out and she was quite invested emotionally it seems. I don't really know where he stood in all of the matter because after I've heard stories from all sides that are conflicting.
Either way, I slept with him and thought nothing of it for the past month because I assumed it didn't mean anything. Did I at one point feel something for him? Definitely friendship and possibly confused for a moment as to how strong those feelings were....but I knew what the deal was. We both wanted a fuck and just happened to be in the right place (or wrong) at the right time.
Well, a week or so ago I was at the bar he works just hanging out and as I leave, he kisses me - which confuses me. I move on though - until the next night that is. I return to the bar for a friends birthday and as usual close the bar out and stay after hours. I have to be up the next morning for Starbucks at 5:30am and it's already 3 something. So, I've decided to either stay at my friends house for an hour or just stay up...we leave the bar and he keeps asking if I just want to go home (his home) and I say no primarily because this girl that's into him is at the next bar waiting for him...and although I've slept with him once, I'm not sure that I really want to go down that road again.
He's obviously displeased with this answer and pushes me into a doorway/alcove and again is trying to make out. I pull away again for two reasons: 1) he kisses like a fish and I don't know that my face should be that wet ever and 2) I feel uneasy about the fact that he knows that there is someone waiting for him and he's trying to snog with me.
I need to be completely honest: I don't really have a huge problem with being the other woman - especially if someone is as unattached as it appears he is. I'm more than fine with open relationships and don't really equate sex with love or place as much emphasis on the virtues of it. Maybe it's because the early part of my life was so rife with restrictions and religious barriers that I'm all about the 'free love'. There are worse things than pleasing someone physically (and hopefully - but not always - being pleased in return)....but I've digressed.
I guess I've said that to say that I'm not necessarily sorry for the act, but I am sorry for causing pain where unnecessary. In the same breath, however, I was not alone there and I don't have ties with this girl beyond my roomie. If the two of them did have an agreement, he would be the one to answer for that - not me especially because the pursuit was mainly on his side.
After trying to snog, he tells me there are girls in the next club/bar that are into him...not quite sure why that was pertinent or necessary at the moment; but because I honestly wasn't there for that I said that I knew and didn't care...knowing that he meant to try to get with one of them for the evening.
I enter the second club with some of the staff from the other bar and go about my merry business. I wasn't going to stand in the way of anybody's fun least of all my own.
I'm not quite sure why, but the cops come to close the club down around 4:30a. We all proceed to exit...it takes my friend a little longer than everyone else. When he does turn up, he makes a beeline toward me...and in front of everyone (the girl he's jonsing included) he pushes me into the brick again. This time wants to say something but I'm standing next to one of the girl's friends. He drunkenly stammers for her to turn away and/or close her ears (DUMB). Ignoring my unwillingness to participate in this conversation at the moment, he attempts to whisper (thinking no one can hear or see what's happening) that he didn't regret anything we did and wishes it can happen again.
Seeing this, the girl's friends are livid and start calling me a backstabbing bitch and whatnot.
The night/morning ends with him going home with the girl and her friends yelling at me as I'm trying to make sure no one who is as drunk as they were drives home. One of the other door guys is attempting to calm everyone down and found out that they knew some of what happened prior to that evening...All walk away and I'm alone at 5:15 waiting for my boss and having to deal mentally with all of this.
It doesn't get any better. I spent the next 6 hrs tired and grumpy knowing that there were a plethora of texts that I'd received and didn't want to answer.
After a nap and avoidance, I talked to a mutual friend of the girl and myself who thought that it was in my best interest and hers to have a conversation. We did. It was short and to the point - nothing exciting really....and she was gracious. Knowing that he would hear about this shortly, I decided to visit him in person to have a conversation. It wasn't of much use seeing as though he said one thing to me and something different to everyone else. Apparently, though he attempted to defend me to my roomie who was calling me a Jezebel and posting nasty things about me on the interweb, he told all of them that I was in pursuit of him for a while...that there was absolutely no emotional connection and he regretted it.
That's a doozie. Why not just admit that you fucked up and own up to what really happened. I did (do I think that it was wrong? hmmmm....).
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